So, there I was. I had just purchased a domain from GoDaddy.com. They would register my name for the mere price of $2.99. “Yes!”, I thought, congratulating myself for the fact that no one else had yet thought of snatching up the website name kikibromann.com. I started preparing myself for the purchase. Right before this moment, I had been skimming through webpages trying to figure out what I was about to do. I reloaded the page and, alas, the asking price for my domain had jumped to $11.99. I panicked, and clicked the ‘buy now’ button in fear of losing my precious site into the bit universe, or having to pay even more after the next page reload. The purchase was complete. Now what…? *Sigh* I felt slightly scammed by this transaction and the adrenaline rush started to turn into annoyance…
My slowly expanding self-awareness had brought me to this point. I had come to the realization that we all have something to share with the rest of the world. My stories were worth telling if they helped someone… anyone. Even if at the end of the day that someone was me. The voice stirring inside of me had grown louder and now it was time to start acting on my plan. But then again, I wasn’t sure I had a plan. After chatting with a life coach, to whom I had given a free practice astrology reading, my mind had opened up to unexplored possibilities. The idea of creating a webpage had come flooding in with all the other ideas. The podcast, the guided meditations, the oracle card and astrology readings, the blog. All of a sudden, the world was full of fun exciting new avenues for me to explore! Oh, I could feel the creative juices flowing! Purchasing the webpage would be the first step in starting to openly bring my mystical side out there into the world. Out, out, from the “woo closet”!
Rewind back a couple of years to the day when I had decided to attend Colette Baron-Reid’s OraclePalooza in San Diego. This event plays a pivotal role in my personal growth and marks the beginning of my journey toward a whole new level of existence.
By my early 40s, I had studied different spiritual methodologies already for decades. As a hobby, of course… I had visited numerous intuitive readers or “fortune tellers”, who had used a variety of techniques. I had met energy healers, aura readers, Tarot and Lenormand card mystics, to name a few, and many times, I came out of these meetings with the sense of awe on the accuracy of the predictions. The superhuman skills these people possessed must have been due to some nature-given gift, far out of reach for a mortal like me.
However, my endless curiosity and thirst for knowledge of all things unexplained had led me to take classes on Wicca, Tarot card interpretation, Meditation, Mindfulness, Reiki healing and Kundalini Yoga. I had learned drafting Chinese horoscopes, read Jungian dream interpretation books, performed spells, and regularly used Tarot and Oracle cards for my own guidance and wellbeing, sometimes even giving predictive Tarot readings to my closest friends.
All of the experiments dabbling with the unseen world had coexisted with the practical studies toward my Master’s degree in Science, and later, my PhD in Biochemistry. Publicly I was a scientist, but behind the scenes, I held the supernatural as a respite for the daily grind. Whenever life was getting tough, I would find solace in my cards and my spells. Only my dearest friends and family would see this “witchy” Kiki. For others, I remained a scientist.
On our family shopping trips, the metaphysical section of the bookstore would be quietly whispering my name. Sometimes, I would pick up a book or a card deck, all the while glancing over my shoulders hoping that no one I knew would walk into the store and catch me red-handed in front of the notorious “woo” aisle.
I have no recollection of when I brought one of Colette’s Oracle Card decks home. I had probably felt the need to try something new since I already owned a multitude of Tarot card decks. Or maybe it had been a nudge from the Conscious Universe; one of those seemingly random events that ended up leading me towards something bigger. Divine guidance, which at the time was totally unmemorable. Whatever the motives for my purchase on that day may have been, unknowingly, I had opened my life up to something deeply transformative.
But what about that OraclePalooza I mentioned? Well, one must love the genius of the online marketing machine that lets you use free services for the exchange of an email address. Reluctantly, I had typed in my information to be able to access the online version of Colette’s cards, but now I was also the target for the ads that came along with it. As the big event was approaching and the advertisements started flooding my inbox, the debate in my mind intensified. I struggled between “Am I really going to spend this much money to attend a meeting like this?”, and “It’s in San Diego. If I don’t go now, I will probably never have an easier and cheaper way to participate”. And although I’m blessed with a spouse who understands my need to explore the mystical, I was still slightly wary if he would support this spiritual nonsense I was about to spend a whole weekend on. Eventually, I did pull that trigger, bought my ticket, and there I was, in for the ride.
Attending scientific conferences was familiar to me. You go in, mingle with other slightly socially awkward people, listen to the talks about research and data, and hope that you will be able to acquire some new information that sends you home with an inspiration to plan another experiment. Some novel insight to form a hypothesis to work on when you get back to the lab, or that take-home message that guides you on your next steps. Sometimes you meet people who will help you in your career later on, or people that you can help when the right situation presents itself. The connections, the discussions, the poster sessions and the happy hours. A large group of similarly thinking individuals sitting in a conference hall, creating an environment that fosters the flow of information, innovation, and new ideas within each other’s minds. Environment that fosters growth.
This was not much different from a conference like OraclePalooza. Except that now the topic was a bit different. The data here are the experiences shared by the speakers and the audience. We don’t see graphs and excel files. We meditate, we pull cards, we hear stories of pain and hurt, healing and hope. We see smiles, tears of sadness, hugs, and tears of joy. Did I mention tears? You can’t NOT be impacted by the energy of the event and its participants. Or at least I couldn’t. Very soon I figured out why there was a box of tissues on every table.
Each day of the event, I came in with apprehension and left exhausted. Mentally drained from all the emotional energy and with a headache for all the tears I had tried to swallow during the days. At the meeting, they made us do group exercises and share about ourselves with people I didn’t know. I didn’t like that. I have reservations. I am shy. I have a reputation to protect. I can’t be seen here publicly. Especially since I had escaped the lab earlier that Friday afternoon to attend the meeting. I also wasn’t really part of this group of people. I was a science professional. Not some hippie, new age, slightly coo-coo, magic believer! What the heck was I doing here anyway?! I thought I had signed up for a slightly more intensive course on how to read oracle cards, and here I found myself, tears running down my cheeks as I was hugging my hurt 6-year-old-self in a forest created by my mind during a guided meditation. I hadn’t signed up for a complete rehaul of my belief system!
The conference definitely gave me more than I had bargained for. This was not an extended workshop on reading cards. This was a deep dive into myself, and the evidence was pointing to the fact that I still might have some work to do in figuring myself out. I didn’t know that at the age of 42 I still needed to find out who I was. By this age, we already know who we are, plus we can’t change our personalities anyway, right?
I realized that I have repeating patterns, thoughts, and stories that could be re-framed. I could change my perception on experiences from my past and see them as strength and source of pride instead of something that made me feel different from others or less than. I was worthy. I was deserving. I could be me and be proud of who I am. I didn’t need to change myself to please others or to make myself small so that people would be comfortable around me. It was ok to put myself first.
Small flashes of insights came up during the meditations and talks, and tiny morsels of wisdom started silently seeping into my mind during the nights when I slept exhausted from the spiritual high of the day’s energy. Nothing happened magically over night, but the seed of possibility had been planted somewhere inside my consciousness. My repressed confidence started to show its existence to me again. Life started to be slightly less monotonous and dull as I began breaking out from the cage of my own mind.
So now after over two years from the 2019 OraclePalooza, where I nervously tried to sit in the corner hoping no one would make me talk to them or ask me to participate in the exercises, I am heading toward a new adventure in my life. I have followed the calling and cultivated that little seed into a sprout. It has not been a journey without difficulties. I have bumped up against myself many times. Fear, ego, outside expectations, and the ease of staying in safety of something familiar is constantly trying to block the call of expansion that is tugging at me. But today I know that the growth is in the harder things in life. Yes, I’m afraid, but wherever I sense resistance, I sense a need for healing.
Therefore, I have continued educating myself in the “mystical” arts. Taken my time to understand and recognize my limiting beliefs, repeating patterns, unconscious biases, values, and strengths. I have learned to meditate, to observe, to have compassion for myself and others. I have realized that we don’t need superhuman powers to tap into our intuition which is always there to guide us.
Today, I love myself more than I did two years ago. I love my life more. All of it! My kids, my husband, my job. I have found new friends, new meaningful connections, support, and love in places I didn’t know exist when I started this journey.
Nervous? “Yes!”
Excited? “Very!”
Wondering how this will pan out, I keep telling myself that sometimes the treasure lies in the shadows and all we need is a little bit of courage and faith to venture in… Life is too short to be afraid. If not now, then when?!
